Had to be at work by 5am, this morning. And in the stillness of the morning, I finally had time to breathe. To think.
I haven’t been writing, obviously. Even outside of Tumblr, I’ve been so overwhelmed by life lately, in both good and terrible ways. The idea of putting this down on paper (pixels?) has been so daunting that even when I’ve had the time, I can’t bring myself to explain.
This summer was a reminder, a sharp elbow to the ribs, a whisper of you deserve better, probably, and you need to get the hell out of here. I am restless and broke and I feel trapped. I’ve been saving up to visit a good friend in Korea and realized that “saving” has only meant “breaking even,” and I still can’t process that. I spent so much money to make other people happy (standing up in a wedding, visiting/accommodating family), and I’m trying not to regret those decisions. (It was the right thing to do, etc, etc, I guess.)
But in the midst of all this, I’ve stumbled into an incredible human being I love and who loves me, and I am marveling every day at the sheer kindness he is capable of. I had an eight-year relationship under my belt and thought I knew how all of this is supposed to work, how I am supposed to feel, but I was wrong, everything in the past was wrong, and nothing could have prepared me for this. (And for that, I am so, so grateful.)
This is the year of redefining me. What I want and what makes me happy and what I believe in. Who I believe in. My eyes are wide open and everything is overwhelming and beautiful and terrible all at once.
But at least I can see. Finally.