Putting things into perspective
I like to have a plan. I like some element of control in my life—in my relationships, my job, my writing.
And I know I can be a catalyst, when I need to be. I can create a reaction.
But I can’t always control the outcome.
A few months ago, I ended my relationship with someone I had dated for eight years. (Eight years.) Actually—I ended it nearly a year ago, and spent the months afterward trying desperately to stand by my decision and cut him out of my life. Because that’s what they do in movies, right? Stop cold turkey? Sever the limb? And then, they drift apart. It’s a simple, scripted process. 1.Break up. 2.Cry or something. 3.Drift.
So I tried that, I followed every step, I tried to drift apart. But there’s this pesky thing called free will, and while I am free to ignore phone calls, he is just as free to place them. And after a while, I caved, I conceded to “being friends” (which doesn’t work, by the way), and we resumed talking. And he kept trying to maintain that emotional dependency, as I feared he would.
But tonight, as I sat in my room—completely bored, looking for someone to chat with online—I realized he wasn’t there. Actually, I realized I hadn’t heard from him in over a week, and the week before that, he’d only texted me once.
And it hit me. It finally started, the drifting. Just when I’d given up, somewhere in the world and without any conscious effort on my part, a switch flipped and his life resumed—without me.
I’m still a little overwhelmed by the thought.
This same week, I realized the boy I thought I wanted—an artist, passionate about everything, the complete opposite of my apathetic, business-oriented ex—simply didn’t care.
Okay. I hear you laughing. I know that sounds juvenile. But the moment when you realize a person you get along with so well hasn’t been asking about your day or inquiring about your hobbies, your passions, or, honestly, anything at all… the moment when you realize it’s not because he’s forgetful or busy or selfish, it’s because he doesn’t care enough to know you, well… it’s certainly a humbling experience.
Free will, you’re killing me.
And in the midst of all this I have been a catalyst—I have forced myself to meet new people, to attend random CouchSurfing meetups, to have drinks with coworkers I barely know. I’ve even started submitting my writing to local literary magazines (okay, maybe just one so far, but still). These are things I never would have done in the past. And whatever endings I may have faced in the last month, they don’t compare to the beginnings I’ve already set in motion. And the possibilities that are now open to me.
So no, I can’t control everything in my life.
But don’t worry; I won’t let that stop me.
And that concludes my 3am emotional ramble, which I will probably delete by morning. Goodnight!
